How to host neuro-inclusive holiday gatherings
Lots of us enjoy the Christmas holidays. It can be a chance to relax, catch up with loved ones, take a break from our normal schedules, and take part in familiar traditions. Many of these things are looked forward to and enjoyed by all of us. But sometimes, being autistic, ADHD or otherwise neurodivergent can mean we might not be able to take part in the festivities in the same way as everyone around us. If you’ve got neurodivergent kids (or adults, for that matter!) visiting over Christmas, it might be important to make some adaptations and adjust expectations so that everyone can be included on their own terms. Here’s a few tips for the holiday season for cross-neurotype harmony.
Many of these tips aren’t just good for neurodivergent people - neurotypical people can get overstimulated or tired out from festivities and socialising too. Neuro-inclusive events are good for us all.
Take a break
Make it ok to have quiet time out. Have a space in the house if possible where people can go to chill out, or if that’s not possible, give people explicit permission to go for a walk or take time out if they need. Normalise it being ok to take space away from the main group activity.
Surprise…!
Some autistic people in particular don’t like to open gifts in front of others or be surprised - it can create stress and anxiety. If someone lets you know they don’t like this, you could discreetly let them know beforehand what’s in the gift, or give everyone the option of taking their gifts home if they’d prefer to open them in private.
“Surely you can manage just one sprout?”
Don’t impose food rules or take food refusals personally. Sensory issues, including with food, can come with neurodivergences such as autism, ADHD, acquired brain injuries and epilepsy. If someone doesn’t want to eat a certain food, or has a strong reaction to it, don’t take it personally. It isn’t your cooking, they may have an unavoidable sensory issue with it. (And Brussel sprouts really ARE the devil’s work, we will die on this hill)
“But you can have that every day at home!”
The overstimulation we can feel at a large, noisy gathering can also change our appetites and exacerbate sensory sensitivities, including food. It’s best not to comment if you see someone not eating much - just let the parents who know the child best, or the adult themselves, handle it. It may be helpful to let people know, when you ask about dietary requirements for example, that it’s ok to bring safe foods if they need to. Yes, even if that means everyone else is eating a full Christmas dinner and one guest is eating pasta for the 100th time that year. We get that this might feel odd, but it takes a source of stress away if there isn’t a load of pressure to eat unfamiliar foods. It allows the person with the food sensitivities to be included in a group meal even if they can’t eat what others are eating.
Stimming around the Christmas tree
Have some stim toys around for the kids. You can get these quite cheaply on sites such as Amazon or Smyths in mixed boxes. Kids of all neurotypes love fidgets - and some big kids too. Yes, including at the dinner table, especially if (understandably) there are no tech at the table rules. The table manners gods will not visit their wrath on you. Promise.
“Remind me where I know you from again?”
Some of us have prosopagnosia, or face blindness, which means we don’t always recognise people by their faces. This can really come out at festive gatherings when we see people we don’t see much at other times and especially when we see people out of context. Please don’t be offended at this - we are not being rude. Just remind the person who you are and where you have seen each other before and the memory will kick in.
No mandatory physical contact
Please, please don’t force hugs, kisses, etc. You could ask adults about their greeting preferences beforehand, and for kids, you could have a system where you give them a choice of hug, handshake, fist bump or wave for hellos and goodbyes. Set expectations with older relatives before the event that we don’t make kids hug or kiss if they don’t want to.
Drop the cards
For those with dyslexia or dysgraphia, writing Christmas cards can be difficult or impossible. For autists, ADHDers and those of us with dyspraxia, executive dysfunction means that remembering to pick, write and post them on time might be too much, so it’s not a lack of consideration or reciprocity if you don’t get one. You could have a different system in your family/friend group if your neurodivergent loved ones struggle with cards, such as making charity donations instead.
Respect if someone wants to pass on a large gathering
If someone doesn’t want to come (or bring their neurodivergent kid/s) to a large group gathering, especially with unfamiliar people, offer alternative ways to get together if it’s important to you to see each other. Large, busy group events can just be too much for some of us, or we’ll mask, which can leave us exhausted, or prone to meltdowns and shutdowns afterwards - that’s the bit you don’t see, as we will often make ourselves keep it together at all costs for the event itself. Remember, many of us are are already managing situations, like work and school, where we’re around a lot of people and trying hard to conform to other people’s expectations. That said, it’s really important not to assume - many neurodivergent people are extroverted and love socialising, and may be really happy at large events, especially when they can be themselves with familiar and understanding people.
We wish you a happy and neuro-inclusive holiday season and all the best for 2023, from all of us at Free2BMe Therapy Services. We are closed from Friday 23rd December for the holidays, and will reopen for another year of neurodiversity affirmative therapy, coaching and training services on Tuesday 3rd January 2023.
Featured photo by Nubia Navarro, used under Creative Commons via Canva
